Hello! I’m Walther; this is Peregrino, and you’re about to read essay #21 of “40 Before 40,” a memoir I intend to finish before I enter midlife.
Heraclitus said that change is the only constant in life, and I’ve been thinking a lot about that. I’ve had conversations with Diana and some friends that have helped me form the thoughts you’re about to read. Shout out to Becca and Brett!
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In the last couple of decades, I have learned that I can’t please everybody, and trying to do so is madness. No matter what I do, someone may still find me annoying or insufferable, and that’s okay. I can only control what I can control, and stressing about, or should I say, trying to control what others think of me, is no longer a priority.
Even though I’m writing these essays hoping to build an audience, I also want to avoid being the center of attention. I know this sounds like the two things are at odds. But hear me out, I want to give glory to God with everything I do, including writing. Additionally, I write because I want to think better, and I’m taking you along for the ride in an Austin Kleon “Show your work!” approach.
Embracing curiosity and continuous learning have also been recurring themes. I want to become the best version of myself and believe, there's plenty of room for improvement. I know I could be a better husband, father, son, brother, and friend. My levels of introspection have intensified, and I’m rolling with it.
For example, I used to walk up to people and ask them what they were talking about. I had really bad FOMO. Now, I’m all about the JOMO. Recently, Diana and I decided to quit Instagram and Facebook for good to focus our energy on our marriage and family.
Not having a window into my friends lives makes me look forward to the next time I see them and ask them what they have been up to. It also forces me to be intentional and reach out to people via text, at minimum.
All of us want connection; we’re wired to seek that. This has become evident to me now that I purposefully engage in conversations with strangers. People will surprise you if you let them. Plus, every interaction serves two purposes: connection and fodder for essays—or Notes. I’d say noticing is a subtle art; noticing, recording, and creating is even better.
I jokingly say that I’m less spontaneous now that I’m American. “Let’s grab lunch sometime” in Mexico is almost inconsequential, but when I told this to a friend in the US, his response was, “I’m available Wednesday or Friday next week.” Now, Diana and I live and die by our calendars.
It may be unfair to compare my twenties in Mexico to my thirties in the US because life as a bachelor is rather different than life as a married man.
I have learned about generosity and not keeping tally. I had to unlearn my preconceived notion that if someone pays for my lunch, I’m now indebted to this person, and next time, I need to spend the same amount or a bit more to keep the balance. Some people give without expecting something in return, and I want to be one of them.
In the professional realm, I know that if someone says they’ll do something by this and that time, it will happen. Or if they can’t keep the deadline, they’ll communicate their progress and provide a new estimate. In Spanish, we have a sneaky word, “ahorita,” which can expand to fit the schedule or proficiency of the person using it. “Ahorita” could be in five minutes or drag on indefinitely. The closest thing in English would be a combination of “we’ll see” and “in a minute,” where we won’t see, and it will definitely take more than a minute.
In the worship realm, I don’t hold hands during the Our Father anymore. It is a common practice in Mexico but not at all a thing at Mass in the US. I now prefer Gregorian Chant over the guitar and keyboards of the charismatic choirs I grew up listening to. There's nothing wrong with the Charismatic Renewal Movement; it’s just not for me.
In the dietary realm, I started eating eggs again. I had a problem with the texture of cooked eggs as a kid, and I was okay with not eating eggs in my life again, until I met Diana. On the weekend we first met, we had breakfast at a fancy Phoenix neighborhood restaurant. I remember I ordered eggs over hard because I didn’t want to risk not liking runny yolk; however, fully cooked yolk was just as bad as what I thought runny would be. I’ve since learned that the key to great eggs is to scramble them with equal parts cheese, this is the only way our kids will eat them. Gotta pick your battles, right?
Speaking of cheese, something that still scandalizes my parents and sisters is that we use Costco’s Mexican Blend Cheese in our quesadillas. Putting yellow cheese in a quesadilla is almost a cardinal sin. But how can it be wrong if it tastes so good? I could write a whole essay on quesadillas, but I won’t.
Overall, I have learned to be more at ease with myself, and I owe this to Diana in many ways. She builds me up, challenges me, and is my #1 cheerleader. As Proverbs 12:4 says, a woman of worth is the crown of her husband. Besides finding my way back to the Church, starting a family with Diana has been one of the best things that has happened to me. I could write a whole essay on Diana, and maybe I will.
In summary, step out of your comfort zone, stretch yourself, turn and face the stranger ch-ch-changes.
Before you go
I have some questions
How well do you deal with change?
Is there something you used to do that you don’t do now?
Is there something you didn’t do before that you do now?
Should I write an essay on quesadillas?
What’s outside your comfort zone?
Great comments her on life changes. I haven't used Facebook (other than for occasionally checking church mass times) for a few years now and I use Instagram less since I joined Substack. Still use Twitter/X though less than I used to.
Change is not easy for me, I hate being away from home, dislike a change to my schedule. This is unfortunate as I am self-employed and never have a "normal" day. I am trying hard to accept whatever comes as God's will and just go with the flow! Some days are easier than others.
Quesadillas - I have no concept of what these are but would be interested to find out!
It is true we can always rely on things to change and taxes, so they say. If your a little bored or in pain wait a moment for it will change. Maybe not as articulated as I'd like. So here's another go at expressing this simple truth. Change is as inevitable as having to pay taxes and death. Generally I like and am fine with change. But these days I also have observed I revel best with a slower more flexible less busy schedule. It allows for the spontaneity of life and I find it allows virtue to develop when we can foster our patience by not rushing about and we foster a deeper spritual prayer life by incorporating our daily rosary prayers and reading within our mundane required chores including transportation. Personally, I prefer to be organised and prepared for things and so would rather not have many changes occur. Having said that there is that saying: "Change is as good as a holiday", this ought to conjure up a hint of excitement for a little daily change just to keep us fresh and relaxed and interested in persisting with the many other of life's requirements. But overall when we consider the concept of change we most likely all agree it would really rather depend on what sort of change it is. A pleasant change say an upgrade from economy to business class on a long air trip could be a wonderful and welcome change but a sudden death if a loved one or the loss of a job could be considered a traumatising sort of change that nobody would care much for and the snowball effect subsequently results in a series of many other life changes whereby a great deal of resilance is called for. For me small seeminly happy changes such as a new upgraded mobile phone can cause an adjustment period of annoyance as I fluster about learning how to reset or find and use the new controls and features. Tech can trigger and gripe me at times because it seems I no sooner get used to using one device and it's being upgraded or replaced with another. But even then I ought to add there is a fun part to discovering how the changes of an upgrade now help improve the functionality even if it fake s several attempts to work things out. I guess chnage provides opportunities for us to develop the virtues of patience and perseverance and temperance. I mention temperance because sometimes change funds us in a new and uncharted area with new and unforeseen ways to fall. We all know of the new game that was so fun the person became addicted to playing. I guess the main point that needs highlights regards to the inevitability of change in our life is that if we keep the steadiness of a healthy and stable spiritual practice then change need not rock our boat as drastically. In fact change could be Gods little nudge to advance 🙏.