Ecumenism, self-doubt and contemplation
Orthodox, impostor syndrome, and Martha
Hello friends, and welcome to Issue #9 of Peregrino! This week I bring you a scene from the line for confession, some thoughts on impostor syndrome, and how we can learn from Martha of Bethany.
The line for confession
INT. CHURCH - DAY
The light from the early afternoon sun shines through the enormous stained glass of the Most Holy Trinity. The smell of recently applied wood varnish fills the cool air inside the church. There are a couple of people praying and a woman standing on the right-hand side wall toward the middle. A Catholic man in his late thirties walks into the church, dips his index finger in the holy water font, makes the sign of the cross, and genuflects.
CATHOLIC: Excuse me, is this the line for confession?
WOMAN IN LINE: Yes, Father should be here any minute.
CATHOLIC: Thank you.
The Catholic man sees another woman sitting in the pew next to the woman in line for confession. He proceeds to sit next to her. A third woman stands behind the woman in line for confession. Meanwhile, a man in his mid-forties is leisurely walking around the church, taking pictures of the statues and the altar. Father rushes in, opens the door to the confessional, and turns the lights on. He signals the woman in line to come in. The Catholic man taps the woman in the pew on the shoulder.
CATHOLIC: Are you going to confession?
WOMAN IN PEW: Oh no! I was just praying my devotional, go ahead.
The Catholic man stands up and walks towards the second woman in line. By the time he gets there, he is intercepted by a man in his mid-forties.
CATHOLIC: I thought she was in line for confession but she was just praying.
ORTHODOX: Is this where you have confession? I’m not Catholic. Are you Catholic?
CATHOLIC: Yes, yes I am. You are not?
ORTHODOX: I’m Russian Orthodox. I’m from Romania. I go to Sts. Peter and Paul in downtown. I came to confession so I can receive Holy Communion tomorrow.
CATHOLIC: Same, I want to receive Communion tomorrow.
ORTHODOX: You don’t call it Holy Communion?
CATHOLIC: Yes, Holy Communion. Holy Eucharist. You don’t call it Mass, right? You call it Divine Liturgy.
ORTHODOX: Yes, I can’t think of a word for Mass in Romanian.
CATHOLIC: It comes from the Latin “Ite, missa est” which was the dismissal at the end of the service.
ORTHODOX: I see. Who listens to confessions here, a priest?
CATHOLIC: Yes, a priest. Father is from the Philippines.
ORTHODOX: Interesting. OK Catholic, I leave you to gather your thoughts for confession.
While the two men were talking the second woman in line went to confession. We see her coming out of the confessional and holding the door for the Catholic man. He goes in, we see the door close behind him.
Impostor syndrome
If you look me up on LinkedIn you’ll see that I’m a Sr. Site Reliability Engineer, if you don’t know what that is, don’t worry, you can just say that I’m a transponster. Let’s just say that it is a technical job where sometimes I need to learn new technologies and problem-solve with them. Another way to put it is that I’m good at searching for things on Google, YouTube, and Stack Overflow. Odds are someone already encountered the problem I have and I can learn from their experience.
Something that I’ve struggled with on and off during my whole career is impostor syndrome. According to HealthLine, impostor syndrome “involves feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persist despite your education, experience, and accomplishments”. You can imagine how fun this is.
The flow of my job is simple, I get a piece of work in the shape of a ticket. The ticket has information on what needs to be done. If I don’t have enough information, I ask clarifying questions. I perform the task, mark the ticket as done, and move on to the next ticket. Then it’s “rinse and repeat”.
Sometimes the task is simple, sometimes a bit harder. Sometimes it’s something I have done before. Sometimes it’s something new. This week I needed to learn how to use a new tool in order to begin working on the task. This knowledge curve set off the impostor syndrome. I felt I wasn’t advancing fast enough. I felt dumb for having to ask my peers for help/guidance. I started doubting my abilities as an engineer and spiraled a bit.
Thank God I have Diana who always finds a way to ground me and help me snap out of it. Diana is really good at helping me reject the lie that impostor syndrome presents. Especially since she knows how the cycle goes and how sometimes while I’m making my afternoon cup of coffee something clicks in my head and I figure out how to solve a problem or I get unblocked by one of my peers. I’m working on being patient with myself.
A good friend of mine helped me realize that we all ask questions and need help when dealing with something new. There is no shame in asking for help and we should do our best to help others when we have the opportunity to do so. It’s an exercise in humility, to say the least.
“Martha, Martha…”
In Luke 10:38-42 we see how Martha, burdened with much service, goes to the Lord and asks Him flat out if He doesn’t care that Mary has left her to serve on her own. We know Mary Magdalene is at the feet of Jesus, listening to His teaching. The response from Jesus tells us that Martha is anxious and worried about many things, that only one thing is needed, that Mary has chosen said thing and it won’t be taken from her.
I’m sure a good number of us have, at one point or another in our lives, been tempted to ask God the same question; do you not care? Of course, God, in His infinite love, is always concerned about our sufferings. However, He lets us act freely; and without Him, we will always get ourselves into difficult situations. There’s always the temptation to value people based solely on utility or productivity.
The thing needful in this case is contemplation, which begins in this life and goes on for all eternity. It will never be taken away from us. It is a heavenly activity. It would benefit us to be attentive to the presence of Christ in the Eucharist. If Christ is present then we should, just like Mary Magdalene, be at His feet listening.
Being anxious, and having excessive worry about material things has the potential to smother the spiritual life. Yes, we should do what we can to provide for the material needs of our families but also trust in the providence of God to take care of the rest. As long as Jesus is still present in the Eucharist, we can come to Him and tell Him our needs.
Make time for prolonged silent meditation on the Word of God. This is a sure way to transform our way of thinking, obtaining peace in our souls as well as satisfying our desires. We are created to contemplate Truth for all eternity. The more we do that on this side of the veil, the more we begin to know heaven.
Source: Saint Mary Magdalene: Prophetess of Eucharistic Love by Fr. Sean Davidson
If you made it this far, thank you for reading.
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When was the last time you went to confession? Have you experienced impostor syndrome? What has helped you? Are you a Mary or a Martha? Let me know in the comments.
See you next week.
-W
My default is Martha for sure. I think it is through the prompting of the Holy Spirit that I snap out of it. After hours, days, even months go by I finally realize, “oh? I should probably rest and feel the presence of Jesus about this instead of talking at Him.” The “talking” is usually complaining and worrying like a Martha.