MEN-F-P
A man's point of view on Natural Family Planning
Hello friends! This is Peregrino, a newsletter about the journey. You’re about to read essay #38 of “40 Before 40,” a memoir I intend to finish before I enter midlife in Q1 2024. The previous 37 essays in this series can be found here.
Diana and I went through marriage prep in the Diocese of Phoenix. A requirement for couples preparing for the sacrament of Holy Matrimony is taking Natural Family Planning (NFP) classes. It was the first time I had heard about NFP, and I wasn’t expecting to learn as much as I did about how fertility works, but I’m glad I did.
Pregnancy is a natural consequence of sex, as much as this fact baffles some people. Men are fertile all the time unless they aren’t. Fertility in women is a bit more complicated but not entirely impossible to understand. Patterns can be observed to determine whether or not a woman is fertile. If a couple wants to conceive a child, they know the best time to try. If they want to space pregnancies or have to avoid pregnancy, they know what to avoid.
It involves periodic abstinence, which is difficult. The Church’s teaching on sex and marriage is challenging. Love is challenging. There’s a sacrificial aspect to practicing NFP that rubs people the wrong way. I get it; it’s not easy. I don’t know about you, but the idea of having my wife take hormones to make my life easier doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. Sterilization isn’t an option either. I know contraception seems like the solution, but at what cost? The love between spouses should be free, total, faithful, and fruitful. Contraception invalidates the total and fruitful parts.
Diana and I have been practicing NFP for almost ten years, and I am very passionate about it. We have learned about it, struggled with it, and learned some more, and in the process, we have worked on our communication and discernment of God’s will in our marriage. NFP, as a man, feels like a blessing, even with its challenges. NFP requires sacrifice from both parties, so it seems an equally yoked solution. The burden is carried by the couple rather than just one person.
When we got married, we thought we would have a honeymoon baby. We were in our thirties and decided to start our family right away. But it took about eight months for us to get pregnant with our first child. We thought something was wrong with us, or worse, that we may not be able to have any children. Eighteen months after we had Oliver, we received Emilio into our family. Two under two was overwhelming. So, we decided to get better at NFP to space our future children better. And like clockwork, our third and fourth children were spaced twenty and twenty-two months from each other.
We got good at charting to conceive children, but the first hurdle was learning to chart postpartum. This is probably the biggest challenge I see with NFP. If there are no signs of fertility, how do you know? If you’re not ready to have Irish twins, the only option is periodic abstinence. There’s that damn concept again. I’ll be the first one to recognize that, at face value, abstinence sucks. Are you telling me I can’t have what I want when I want it? Well, yes. So, how did we deal with this? We leaned into the discomfort and followed our NFP instructor's advice: find ways to love each other non-genitally.
If you’re familiar with the five love languages: acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, and receiving gifts, those are excellent ways of loving each other non-genitally. I know Diana appreciates it when I take care of bath time or take on a couple of chores that she usually does. I respond well to words of affirmation and physical touch. So, knowing this about your spouse will go a long way.
What about breastfeeding? Even though it is the best food a baby can get, you and your spouse must figure out what’s best for your family. Breastfeeding took a toll on Diana, so bottle feeding allowed me to help. Diana would go to bed, and I would stay up for a couple of hours and feed the baby the last bottle of the day. Diana would wake up in the middle of the night to feed the baby, and I would take the first bottle of the day. We made it work for us, and our babies had rolls on their thighs; it was adorable.
What about postpartum depression? Maybe you’ll have to deal with that. We did, and it almost broke me not being able to help Diana get better. All I could do was get her help from someone who could, and I did. And trust me, I wasn’t thinking about “my needs” while we were going through that.
A hemorrhage during Diana’s second labor and two high-risk pregnancies later, Diana’s OB recommended we don’t have any more children. This was a difficult conversation to have. Diana and I want to do God’s will in our marriage; we want to be open to life and preserve Diana’s health. To do all of these things now, we need to use NFP to avoid pregnancy. Isn’t this just a Catholic version of contraception? Well, not exactly; with NFP, there aren’t any hormones, chemicals, physical barriers, or surgeries that can stop a couple from conceiving.
So [also] husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. Ephesians 5:28-30
I want to stress that NFP is not something wives do; it’s what couples do. From my personal experience, I’d advise married men and those who think marriage is their vocation to play an active role in monitoring your fertility as a couple. For example, I decided to be responsible for charting. I have become even more intentional in communicating with Diana by doing so. Remove sex gatekeeping from your wife’s job description and take on that role. If you have data in front of you and you see you’re in the “no-fly zone,” as I call the days we need to abstain, you can avoid feelings of rejection when you ask if intimacy is possible. On the other side of that coin, you’ll know when to turn the romance up to eleven, empty the dishwasher, buy flowers, and make dinner.
Periodic abstinence purifies love and desire. Men should be able to control their passions. Fasting has helped me grow in fortitude and self-mastery. The hunger pangs remind me of my need to cling to the Lord. If I say no to food, which is good, it makes it easy to say no to any temptations that may arise. Similarly, intimacy in marriage is a good thing, but saying no to it for a bigger yes down the road makes sense. To me, at least.
Think of the Holy Family. St. Joseph and the Blessed Virgin Mary were joined in heart, mind, and soul but not in body. What better example is there of a love as pure as this? Let us become imitators of the Holy Family and refine our love in the furnace of sacrifice, always having Jesus in our midst and growing closer to him.
In the end, we’re trying to get each other to heaven. If you and your spouse strive for virtue, you can carry your cross joyfully. The world needs holy marriages. St. John Paul II once said: “As the family goes, so goes the nation, and so goes the whole world in which we live.” My brothers, I encourage you to lead your families and to love your wife as Christ loved the Church. We owe it to each other.
I’m aware that my personal experience may be completely different from everyone else’s; however, I believe NFP is a tool given to us by Holy Mother Church to aid couples in living out their vocation. We are meant to pick up our cross daily and follow him. We are called to love. Let us be clay in his hands and allow ourselves to be formed into what he wants us to become, trusting that what he will make us into is what we ought to be.
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Before you go
Did you know about NFP before reading this?
Do you know what your love language(s) is?
Do you and your spouse go on dates regularly?
Fantastic reflection! 👏🏻👏🏻 I especially appreciated your statement about removing sex gatekeeping from your wife's role. NFP definitely should be a two person activity... Otherwise it really becomes more easily a burden to the wife, and her fertility can start feeling like a burden.
Society really ought to learn these things from the Catholics! 🥲 I feel so much pain for women and men who don't even know these gifts exist to strengthen their bond and help their health.
As someone who has dealt with infertility, I can also attest to the great gift NFP methods have been to me and our marriage, because otherwise the whole journey would have been even more stressful, confusing, and heartwrenching.
What a heartwarming and meaningful essay. I was pleasantly surprised at the openness and love reflected in your words. Blessings to you, your wife and lovely family.