On Fatherhood
10 of 40
Hello! I’m Walther, this is Peregerino, and you’re about to read essay #10 of “40 Before 40,” a memoir I intend to finish before I enter midlife. A few other pieces that people have enjoyed are “Just obese,” “On death and loss,” and “On repetition.” Feel free to peruse!
Apropo of Father’s Day being tomorrow, I bring my musings on fatherhood; for those reading who happen to be fathers, Happy Father’s Day. For the rest of you, call your dad.
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Israel
I was Grandpa Israel’s favorite grandchild; he wasn’t subtle about it. It may have to do with the fact that I physically resemble him. If you see my grandpa’s wedding picture and a picture of me at the same age, we’re basically the same person.
He had five kids, three boys, and two girls. My dad was the only one of his two sons to have a boy, yours truly. Even though Grandpa didn’t say it out loud, having someone who could perpetuate the family name pleased him. If I hadn’t been born, the Cantu family name would’ve stopped with my dad and uncle. No more branches in that tree. I think this was the actual reason I was his favorite.
Grandpa Israel was a farmer, but he was already retired by the time I met him. In General Bravo, the small town in northeast Mexico where they lived, kids could only attend school until the sixth grade. A rural elementary school was all there was. So, my grandpa sent his wife and children to Monterrey, the capital, so his kids could continue their studies.
Cuco
Grandpa Cuco had eleven kids, seven boys, and four girls; one of the boys died before reaching adolescence. Originally from San Luis Potosi, a state in central Mexico, he moved his family to Monterrey. The capital had jobs; the steel, glass, and cement industries boomed and needed workers.
He worked in the cement plant until he retired, but even then, he wore his brown work shirts with the embroidered company logo. He couldn’t afford to put everyone through college, yet most of his kids earned degrees. Instead, he instilled in them a work ethic and a can-do attitude bar none.
My grandpa biked to work before it was cool; I don’t think he ever learned to drive. A small wooden box was attached behind the bicycle’s seat. Inside the box, he had an assortment of candy and snacks to sell to his co-workers during his lunch break. My mom still has a newspaper clipping of a profile piece they did on Grandpa, where they highlight his entrepreneurial spirit.
Antonio
My dad was the black sheep of the family, or at least that’s what he says. He barely survived getting tuberculosis as a kid and lost some hearing in his left ear. My theory is that he lived fast and loose during his teenage years because he might have seen death up close and wanted to squeeze as much life as he could from those years.
Tom Selleck was the star of the 80’s drama Magnum P.I., a show where Thomas Magnum would right all the wrongs in Oahu. Coincidentally my dad had the same feathered hair and mustache but wore boots and a cowboy hat instead of a Hawaiian shirt.
He settled in his mid-twenties; he got married a couple of weeks after turning twenty-five. I joined the party a year later. My sisters joined a few years down the line.
As an adult, I appreciate that my dad disciplined and loved me. As a kid, it felt like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. This man was capable of instilling the fear of God in me with just a look. He could also be affectionate and warm. As the years have passed, he has tamed Mr. Hyde, and he’s nothing but a big teddy bear around my children.
My dad’s biggest pet peeve is humble bragging; he despises people that can only talk about their stuff. He won’t tell you anything gratuitously, but he’ll chew your ear off if you ask about his children. He also loves telling jokes; that’s where I got it from. And his skills around the grill will give you chills.
Walther
I have three boys and a girl, and when I found out we were having a boy, I got slightly anxious. I don’t follow sports or am outdoorsy; I like musicals, art, and cooking. I had all these doubts about me being the one that gets to teach these boys how to be a man.
But then I looked at my dad and grandparents and started recognizing patterns. Sacrifice and selflessness stood out the most. I’m positive my grandparents and dad deprived themselves of one thing or another for the good of their families. They left their place of origin in search of better opportunities. They put food on the table, a roof over their heads, and clothes to wear. They led and made sure that every generation did better than them. And they didn’t take credit for this because it was their job.
My character will determine whether I am a good father, not my personality.
I’ve been married to Diana for almost nine years, and she has been instrumental in any improvement I’ve made in the last decade. She challenges me to do better, calls me out on my shit, and encourages me. She’s why I’m working towards balancing justice and mercy while disciplining the children, changing my approach to meltdowns and pep talks, and dreaming up rites of passage for the boys.
A good priest once invited me to contemplate the fatherhood of God. Jesus would go into the wilderness and pray to His Father. When the apostles asked Him how they should pray, the first words that came from Jesus’ mouth were “Our Father.” Jesus mediates the fatherhood of God by telling us how to approach the Father. I want to trust in God the same way my kids trust in me.
Fatherhood has been one of the biggest blessings I have received—a source of joy, love, and challenges to be better and stretch myself.
I want to honor those who came before me and paved the way for me to be where I am now. I hope they’re proud of the man I have become. I hope they know I’m thankful for what they did. I hope to set up my kids to do better when it’s their turn.
Before you go
I have some questions for you.
Does your family have a Father’s Day tradition? If so, what is it?
Hit me with your best dad joke.
Is Tim Allen America’s dad? Yes or yes?
If you’re a dad, how many children do you have? The dad with the most offspring gets a prize. *Has to live in the continental U.S. to participate.
What’s the best Father’s Day gift you’ve ever received?
I look exactly like my grandpa too! I already know too much regarding how I will look in the coming years.
Best dad joke;
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
.
.
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Where’s my tractor?