Smorgasbord #25
Road House, Restroom, Juleps
Hello friends! This is Smorgasbord, a self-service buffet of ideas—the all-you-can-eat restaurant of newsletters. It's been a short week since #24 went out on Monday, but I've got some tasty morsels to share—do not worry.
But first, I want to give a big shout-out to Tom Z. for becoming a paid subscriber; your support is greatly appreciated! And to everyone who has subscribed recently, welcome! It’s good to have you. Alright, let’s get on with it.
Road House
*** Spoilers ahead; skip this section if you plan on watching the movie ***
Road House is a remake of the 1989 film starring Patrick Swayze. In the 2024 version, Ex-UFC fighter Dalton (Jake Gyllenhaal) takes a job as a bouncer at a Florida Keys roadhouse, only to discover that this paradise is not all it seems. Now here’s a summary as if you had told me to tell you what the movie is about because you are not going to watch it and still want to know what happens.
The movie opens with Dalton showing up at an underground cage fight circuit to take on Post Malone, who, upon recognizing him, folds, and Dalton wins the bet money. Some dude stabs Dalton as he is trying to get into his car (in which he also lives). As he is nonchalantly trying to dress his wound, he is approached by Frankie, owner of the Road House, a beachside bar that’s being terrorized by a biker gang, and she offers Dalton a job as a bouncer. The gig comes with a boathouse where he can stay.
Frankie writes down her number on a piece of paper because Dalton doesn’t have a cell phone (he’s a digital minimalist, I assume) and tells him to think about it. Right after that, we see Dalton parking his car on the railway track as a train is coming his way, only to escape death once he decides it’s not time to go yet. This is never brought up again during the rest of the movie. Even though Dalton survives, his car doesn't. He is now homeless.
Dalton gets on a bus to the Florida Keys and meets a girl who runs a bookstore with her dad. Let’s call her Bookworm because I don’t remember the character’s name. Bookworm’s mom died recently, and her dad works somewhere else during the day and leaves the girl in charge of selling books, but business is not going great. Bookworm gifts Dalton a book about a tree that grows on a bridge, like that is supposed to be important for Dalton's character development. I don’t think it makes any sense, plus Bookworm just lost money—giving things away for free is a bad business model if you ask me.
Dalton takes the job and, on his first night, beats the crap out of four biker gang dudes and takes them to the hospital himself—why call an ambulance? He meets his love interest at the ER; let’s call her Scrubs because she’s a doctor. Scrubs is sassing Dalton because now the people who actually need help are going to have to wait because of the biker gang dudes he beat up. Dalton is bleeding from his knife wound. Scrubs gives him an antibiotic, and he is magically healed the next day—the marvels of modern medicine.
White Rich Bad Guy is getting a straight razor shave on the deck of his yacht because that’s what you do when you have that kind of money. He’s basically Bowser Jr. and is running the drug operations of Bowser Sr., who is in jail. We find out they want to build a resort, and the only piece of land they don’t own is where the Road House is. Why he didn’t kill Frankie is beyond me; it seems like an easier way to go, but then we wouldn’t have a movie, right?
At some point, Dalton finds out about a bad cop who will receive drug money for Bowser Jr., and he single-handedly seizes that money and hides it. Bowser Sr., from jail, tasks Connor McGregor to kill Dalton since Bowser Jr. hasn’t been successful. Connor McGregor's acting should be confined to UFC press conferences. Somehow, McGregor’s Irish accent sounds fake. We don’t know anything about this character other than he’s reckless and violent.
In an effort to make Dalton leave, the biker gang burns down the bookstore—it probably didn’t take much effort since books are a fire hazard, let’s be honest.
Bowser Jr. kidnaps Scrubs and keeps her in his yacht, of course, so Dalton “borrows” a boat in which he has a bag full of explosives—somehow he procured and manufactured a bomb, we don't know when or how he learned these skills. Maybe from a tutorial on YouTube. He faces Bowser Jr. and tells him he doesn’t have the money on him but will give it in exchange for Scrubs. Scrubs’ dad is a dirty cop, sheriff actually, who is like: “Wait, what? Bowser Jr., did you really kidnap Scrubs!?” and Bowser Jr. is like: “Duh!”
So Dalton detonates the bomb, and he and Scrubs barely escape. Connor McGregor tries to kill them with a speedboat, but Dalton is able to climb on the boat as it passes next to him. Connor McGregor is knocked overboard but is able to grab onto a rope and hold his breath underwater for a ridiculous amount of time. Meanwhile, Bowser Jr. has Scrubs in a different boat and chases after Dalton. The chase ends with Bowser Jr.’s boat on the Road House’s roof. McGregor drives a truck into the Road House and gets ready to fight Dalton.
After Bowser Jr. yells at McGregor to do his job, McGregor gets annoyed and twists Bowser Jr.’s neck. He clearly doesn’t care about his boss’s son and proceeds to fight Dalton. The two of them use splintered wood as weapons and stab each other repeatedly until McGregor can’t move anymore.
Dalton grabs his things and gets on the bus. Meanwhile, Bookwom’s dad finds a crate full of money as the camera pans to Dalton on the bus, riding into the sunset as we see the dumb tree on the bridge again. Roll credits.
In summary, Dalton gave drug money to a family, which probably would do more harm than help. Scrubs and Dalton weren’t meant to be. Frankie is short one bouncer and needs to fix the damage caused by Dalton and McGregor’s fight. Bowser Sr. is still in jail, and now his son is dead. I’m pretty sure his vengeance will be epic.
Aren’t you glad I saved you two hours of your life?
America’s Best Restroom
In 2017, OdySea Aquarium in Scottsdale, Arizona, won the coveted (I assume) Cintas America’s Best Restroom Contest. If you give a crap about restrooms, this is the contest you want to be a part of. OdySea Aquarium flushed nine other competitors away and took home the W. Take that, San Francisco’s Museum of Modern Art!
What’s the catch? Instead of a mirror, you get an acrylic window leading straight into their shark tank. Oddly enough, no Mark Cuban. It was a good pitch, but it’s still fishy.
If you’re ever in Arizona, I’d highly recommend OdySea Aquarium. We have an annual membership, and the kids really enjoy all the exhibits, especially the tank with rays and the tide pools where they can touch sea creatures. The penguins have been extremely inactive the last two times we’ve been there, almost as if they’re planning their escape.
In addition to the restroom, they have “The Voyager,” the only rotating aquarium in the US, if I’m not mistaken, and the only way to see the sea lions. I appreciate the aquarium employee who was cracking jokes like: “Make sure to fasten your seat belts. [Beat] Just kidding, there are none” or “Please make sure to pick up all of your belongings and children; anyone left behind will be fed to the sharks.” Personally, I would’ve said something like: “They’ll be sleeping with the fishes,” but that could get her fired, so good for her for keeping it light and playful.
Reads
I’m two chapters away from finishing
’s serial novel “Remembrance.” Y’all should read it; it’s a page-turner.I saw that
is hosting a Wicked Writing contest. If you’re into the horror/terror genre, make sure to subscribe.- is a fantastic piece of flash fiction. I posted a recipe for a Birdmint Julep in Notes if you want to make one.
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Sobremesa
Did you watch Road House? Was my summary accurate?
What’s your favorite sea-related pun?
Have you had a mint julep?
Your summary of roadhouse was without question better than the movie. Its a Jake Gyllenhal ego flick it sounds like. Nice goin, florida!
That shark in the bathroom sounds like a living nightmare. 😅 I respect nature.
Last time I had a mint julep, I was having a potentially allergic reaction to blue cheese in Disneyland's restaurant at the Pirates ride. I can't remember the name, but it's like sitting near a New Orleans dock at night (even during the day). The staff was very kind, but I still cried out of embarrassment. 🙃