Hello! I’m Walther, this is Peregrino, and you’re about to read essay #16 of “40 Before 40,” a memoir I intend to finish before I enter midlife. A few other pieces that people have enjoyed are “American Dream,” “Just Obese,” and “On Fatherhood.” The rest of the essays can be found here.
I wanted to finish this essay last week; I took a week off work to travel north while my parents were visiting, but my laptop didn’t leave its bag. However, spending time in Williams, Arizona, visiting the Grand Canyon for the seventh time, and celebrating my daughter’s birthday was a good break. So, in honor of Lucy’s birthday, here’s an essay about how she has changed my life.
Drama in Utero
About 90% of people on Earth are Kell negative. They don’t have the Kell antigen, a protein in the blood. My wife Diana falls into this category. However, after she had our second son, she had a hemorrhage and had to get a blood transfusion. The blood she got had the Kell protein in it. Her body created Kell antibodies to attack this protein, foreign to her body. This was all fine and dandy until about week twenty of Diana’s third pregnancy, right around the time we found out we would be having a girl.
I am Kell positive, which meant there was a 50/50 chance Lucia could have it. This would signal Diana’s Kell antibodies to cross the placenta and destroy Lucia’s red blood cells, causing anemia and, worst case scenario, a miscarriage.
We took the least invasive of all the options presented to us. Diana would go to weekly ultrasounds where the tech would measure the blood flow in Lucia’s brain. A decrease in the rate of blood flow would mean anemia was developing.
If anemia were detected, transfusions through the umbilical cord would have been the next step. However, this procedure would also entail risk. The cord could burst during the transfusions requiring an emergency C-section.
Survival rates of premature babies skyrocket after 25 weeks, and the ultrasound monitoring would only be accurate until 38 weeks. We had several very prayerful months until Diana was induced at 38 weeks, and Lucia was born healthy without complications.
However, she had to be admitted to Phoenix Children’s Hospital for 24 hours due to jaundice. I felt bad talking to other parents living in the hospital for years while I had a baby with an eye mask under a tiny tanning bed.
I’m not saying her entrance into this world would set the tone, but I’m also not denying it.
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters
I was over the moon when the ultrasound tech told us we were having a girl. You know how some expectant parents say, “We don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl as long as it’s healthy”? They’re lying, they may not know it, but they’re lying. Of course, you want your baby to be healthy, that part is true, but I’m willing to bet a good amount of money those parents care if their baby is a boy or a girl.
I was looking forward to having a sweet, calm, well-mannered girl after experiencing the two fun but loud and rowdy boys that would try to eat grubs and put pebbles in their nostrils.
Once I returned to reality, self-doubt washed over me. Did I have what it took to raise a daughter? Would she look up to me? Would we have a good relationship?
I wanted to prepare as much as possible, so I picked up a copy of Dr. Meg Meeker’s sobering book “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters.” I listened to the audiobook on my commute to and from work and learned it would be my fault if anything went wrong in Lucia’s life.
For example, I opposed the idea of homeschooling, and this book changed my mind. I was ignorant about the education system in the U.S., and after my wife and I talked about it and had more information about what is taught in public schools, it was easy to decide. My wife was eager to take that on, and I supported her wholeheartedly. I know my kids will face the real world eventually, but I want to have a say in how they discover the ugly side of our world.
I started taking better care of my health, getting routine check-ups, fasting, and working out regularly to be a good protector. I doubled down on being the spiritual leader of my family, and we started praying a family rosary every night, imperfectly at times, but the effort is there.
Little Flower
Lucia’s middle name is Therese, after St. Therese of Lisieux, just as her patron saint did when she was a kid; she has a flair for the dramatic. I have turned to St. Louis Martin for his intercession while dealing with my little flower. I started buying flowers for her a few years ago, especially on October 1st, St. Therese’s feast day. However, this has backfired; the other day, I brought home a bouquet, and Lucia asked, “Are those for me?” When I told her they were meant for her mother, she ran toward her room crying and slamming the door behind her, inconsolable, until I gave her a small flower just for her and put it in her vase, separate from mom’s.
When I do something for her, it’s not uncommon for her to say, “Daddy...I love you.” Or when she kisses me, she will turn to Diana and cheekily say, “I kissed your honey.” For a brief period of her life, the only antidote to her tantrums was waltzing with me around the living room while humming “Once Upon a Dream.” I even changed the lyrics to West Side Story’s “Maria” to Lucia. The most beautiful sound I ever heard.
I want to do all these things so she’s not swept off her feet by the first idiot that gets her flowers or takes her out for coffee. I’m setting the bar high so she knows she’s worthy of a man that pursues her. But most importantly, of a man after the heart of God.
What’s Next?
I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m excited to see who my daughter becomes. I look forward to more father-daughter coffee dates, dances, and travels. Lucia has brought equal parts joy and challenges to learning to love deeper. She’s a spicy little girl that adds flavor to our lives. Lucia lives and loves intensely, and I love that about her. She looks just like her mother, whom I love.
Before you go
I have some questions for you
If you’re a fellow girl dad, got any advice?
If you’re a daughter yourself, same question.
Have you read “The Story of a Soul”?
Who’s your favorite Disney Princess?
Should I tell Lucia the actual name in the song is Maria?
Beautiful essay and a beautiful family. God bless you and yours! My sister had two daughters before they had a boy--they can be just as much a handful in different and unique ways. Really enjoyed the line "I'm doing all these things so she doesn't fall for the first idiot who buys her flowers"--very well said.
“I’m setting the bar high so she knows she’s worthy of a man that pursues her. But most importantly, of a man after the heart of God.” Amen!
I love this essay so much, Walther. Praise God for all of your healthy children. I have two girls now. One who will be three this month and the baby who is just over three-months-old now, so I am very much identifying with your goal of here in setting the bar high. And I’m here for any advice you have as you’ve been at it longer than I have.
I’ve not read either Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters or The Story of a Soul but I’ll add them to my ever-growing list.
My favorite Disney princess is probably Belle. She handles her own with the beast so well. And strong arguments could be made for Beauty and the Beast of having the best Disney music. My oldest daughter will often wear her yellow Belle dress and refuse to be addressed by her actual name, Katherine. It’s adorable but kinda of challenging when asking her to do something.
Don’t tell your daughter about the song. She’ll find out when she’s older and love what you did.