Grumpy wanted to pursue a career in music. But as a dwarf he was forced into the mining profession. His roommates didn’t understand his passion for sick beats. They just wanted to dig in the dirt. He was emo before emo was cool. His only joy was his pipe organ.
This is beautiful, an instant favorite. Well done!
1- My dad's mantra was "Comply then complain"--but it was a trick, because once I had complied he didn't care about hearing my complaint. My parents were not explainers, I have resolved to be different.
2- Not being listened to. The only thing I want in any argument is to be listened to. When I had problems with my bosses, it was because they wouldn't listen to me. When I had problems with my family--it's because they wouldn't listen to me. I take being listened to very seriously because very frequently I have been ignored or disrespected or certain people think they know better than me. They might! But I want to talk about it.
5- I'm the quiet type. 90% of the time, when people are angry I usually internalize it as something I have done. I am working on untangling that nasty self-talk habit. But it means that I don't like to mouth off, I spend a lot of time stewing about stuff before I take action. When I am provoked, my focus is on de-escalating or prevention--trying to get control of a situation that is getting out of control. Recently had an argument where someone was speaking out of turn on a topic about my personal life that they were ignorant about, and I told them "don't go there" and they blew up more than I did.
Great essay. Thank you very much for sharing this--I know its easy to write about and probably hard to live, but this has been inspiring to read!
I'd say our parents generation, because I firmly believe we're close in age (maybe), are not explainers. And honestly, if I look at my grandparents, I'm like...well, they were doing their best.
Gah, I hear you. That can be frustrating. Especially when the other person is just waiting for you to finish your sentence so they can talk, and you know they didn't listen to a thing you said.
Isn't that funny? When you establish a boundary and you get an incendiary reaction?
I'm 32--we're within the same decade until you finish your 40 before 40 series! Our parents are likely close-enough generationally though. You're absolutely right--there's no playbook for parenting. Everyone is just doing their best. Your kids will improve on your parenting, just gotta set 'em up to have generational improvement!
I learned from an experience falling out with a friend that you learn more about people by telling them "no" than you do by telling them "yes".
Love the honesty here Walther. This is such a touching essay and I applaud your effort to better yourself for your family.
1. My mom told me, way before YoungBloodZ ever did, “don’t start no shit and there won’t be no shit.”
I generally don’t use as many four letter words as my mom did but I did carry that message. Generally, when it comes to any tense situation I am not a provocateur, but I’m also not averse to conflict and can be too aggressive in my reaction or conflict resolution. I can to be too quick to try to find “a solution” instead of working on a “good solution” for everyone involved. In that way, like your father, I can be like a match. It may take a while to get me to burn, but once I’m there it can be a bit explosive. Not proud of that, but it’s what I’m working through.
2. I’m probably in line with Scoot on this one. Not being listened to really frustrates me. Especially if I literally have to repeat myself in certain situations. So being a parent to a toddler is really trying as I feel like all I do some days is repeat myself to a strong willed child.
And I don’t deal with obnoxious/ loud people very well. Or people being purposefully rude. I have to really hold my tongue when witnessing any such display. This made being a customer service representative very difficult at times. I also wear my emotions on my face which has not been helpful at times.
5. I usually keep anger inside and have come to do loads of prayer when I’m angry. If only the Jesus prayer over and over again.
While I don’t avoid confrontation, I will -internally- try to understand how I’m part of the problem before trying to offer a solution. This is me learning from experience that the offering of “a solution” is not always the way to go. Because I may be part of the issues and not even know it so I try to figure that out first. If I can determine that I didn’t cause or worsen a problem then I am much better at staying calm to talk out a solution.
That’s a long way to say, since I really dislike it when I’m not listened to, I try to be the listener in a conflict.
Grumpy wanted to pursue a career in music. But as a dwarf he was forced into the mining profession. His roommates didn’t understand his passion for sick beats. They just wanted to dig in the dirt. He was emo before emo was cool. His only joy was his pipe organ.
Everything makes sense now.
This is beautiful, an instant favorite. Well done!
1- My dad's mantra was "Comply then complain"--but it was a trick, because once I had complied he didn't care about hearing my complaint. My parents were not explainers, I have resolved to be different.
2- Not being listened to. The only thing I want in any argument is to be listened to. When I had problems with my bosses, it was because they wouldn't listen to me. When I had problems with my family--it's because they wouldn't listen to me. I take being listened to very seriously because very frequently I have been ignored or disrespected or certain people think they know better than me. They might! But I want to talk about it.
5- I'm the quiet type. 90% of the time, when people are angry I usually internalize it as something I have done. I am working on untangling that nasty self-talk habit. But it means that I don't like to mouth off, I spend a lot of time stewing about stuff before I take action. When I am provoked, my focus is on de-escalating or prevention--trying to get control of a situation that is getting out of control. Recently had an argument where someone was speaking out of turn on a topic about my personal life that they were ignorant about, and I told them "don't go there" and they blew up more than I did.
Great essay. Thank you very much for sharing this--I know its easy to write about and probably hard to live, but this has been inspiring to read!
I'd say our parents generation, because I firmly believe we're close in age (maybe), are not explainers. And honestly, if I look at my grandparents, I'm like...well, they were doing their best.
Gah, I hear you. That can be frustrating. Especially when the other person is just waiting for you to finish your sentence so they can talk, and you know they didn't listen to a thing you said.
Isn't that funny? When you establish a boundary and you get an incendiary reaction?
Thank you for reading and your kind words, Scoot.
God bless!
I'm 32--we're within the same decade until you finish your 40 before 40 series! Our parents are likely close-enough generationally though. You're absolutely right--there's no playbook for parenting. Everyone is just doing their best. Your kids will improve on your parenting, just gotta set 'em up to have generational improvement!
I learned from an experience falling out with a friend that you learn more about people by telling them "no" than you do by telling them "yes".
I knew it! We’re the same age!
It’s one of those things which *I* knew (your email gave it away) but which i didnt realize you did not know (you cant read my mind haha)
changes email…
Just kidding. I forget about that little detail. I’m just giving out all my info for free I guess haha.
I also have your credit card number and SSN. If you see some charges dont worry about it.
Love the honesty here Walther. This is such a touching essay and I applaud your effort to better yourself for your family.
1. My mom told me, way before YoungBloodZ ever did, “don’t start no shit and there won’t be no shit.”
I generally don’t use as many four letter words as my mom did but I did carry that message. Generally, when it comes to any tense situation I am not a provocateur, but I’m also not averse to conflict and can be too aggressive in my reaction or conflict resolution. I can to be too quick to try to find “a solution” instead of working on a “good solution” for everyone involved. In that way, like your father, I can be like a match. It may take a while to get me to burn, but once I’m there it can be a bit explosive. Not proud of that, but it’s what I’m working through.
2. I’m probably in line with Scoot on this one. Not being listened to really frustrates me. Especially if I literally have to repeat myself in certain situations. So being a parent to a toddler is really trying as I feel like all I do some days is repeat myself to a strong willed child.
And I don’t deal with obnoxious/ loud people very well. Or people being purposefully rude. I have to really hold my tongue when witnessing any such display. This made being a customer service representative very difficult at times. I also wear my emotions on my face which has not been helpful at times.
5. I usually keep anger inside and have come to do loads of prayer when I’m angry. If only the Jesus prayer over and over again.
While I don’t avoid confrontation, I will -internally- try to understand how I’m part of the problem before trying to offer a solution. This is me learning from experience that the offering of “a solution” is not always the way to go. Because I may be part of the issues and not even know it so I try to figure that out first. If I can determine that I didn’t cause or worsen a problem then I am much better at staying calm to talk out a solution.
That’s a long way to say, since I really dislike it when I’m not listened to, I try to be the listener in a conflict.