I have once read that misery is an inevitable stage of marriage, which can be pretty discouraging to hear. Yes, every vocation has its fair share of crosses, and I've heard that marriage may have the most of them all, but to describe it as /misery/ isn't exactly very inviting. You and Mrs. Cantu (I need to remember my homeschooler manners here) give hope in a world that sees only the misery of the vocation. So thank you for that. God bless you both.
Oct 6, 2023·edited Oct 6, 2023Liked by Diana Cantu, Walther Cantu
Chantal, I’ll reply a bit to you here but this is also to Walther who asked for my thoughts elsewhere.
In a world where autonomy is the chief desire, intentionally committing yourself to a permanent state of service (both to spouse and children) can be nothing but misery.
But I will tell you that my cup runneth over. I too am in my ninth year of marriage and if God were to snuff out my life tomorrow I would count myself lucky to have lived even these few years united to my wife.
There is suffering, tragedy, and drudgery yes - but who escapes these in time? A spouse is another shoulder at the wheel - not a cause of suffering (God willing), but someone with whom to share the burdens of life.
There was a time when one of my children almost died. He was in the hospital for weeks. And I don’t know if I’ve ever loved or admired my wife more than I did during that time. She was my Cyrenian (or, more accurately, I was hers). This reminds me of a favorite poem of mine, “The Female of the Species” by Kipling (This is a bit off topic but I think it captures the grit of femininity and some of the admiration I feel for my wife).
If I can give some general advice I would say that the Cantu’s post above captures what I think is most important - “it’s not 50/50.” To measure perpetually is to seek bitterness. You can only pour out all that you have and pray it is honestly reciprocated - if I had a personal motto I strive for it is “try your best and mean it.” That’s all anyone can do.
As an addition to the marriage advice: there’s quite a bit of consternation about Ephesians 5:22, with wives being told to “submit” to their husbands. But the weight of that exhortation, whatever it is, pales in comparison to what St. Paul asks of husbands (and it puts the prior statement in context). “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph 5:25).
For a husband to work out his salvation in fear and trembling, trying to love his wife as Christ loved his church! Does not the call to “submit” seem so much less harsh to someone who ought to lay down his life for yours? What a beautiful image of mutual self giving we are to strive for.
I love this. Thank you so much for sharing. I cannot imagine having a child almost die...well I can and honestly it's my greatest fear. Thank God you and your wife grew in holiness during that time. You are absolutely right...I should have addressed being submissive is amazing. I am such a strong personality and being submissive is just not in my nature. However trusting Walther and cultivating that part of me has really freed me up to love more fully. What a gift.
Oct 14, 2023·edited Oct 14, 2023Liked by Walther Cantu, Diana Cantu
I never got a notification that you’d posted this, so I only just saw it now. Thank you so much for writing this and sharing it here. I’m so sorry that your child almost died. Deo gratias for saving his life and for giving you and your wife the grace to get through that difficult time. Married couples like you and your wife, and the Cantus, give so much hope to those of us discerning marriage. Thank you for sharing your experience with us, and may God bless you!
I am going to do a podcast eventually to expand on these, but here's my advice to people discerning marriage.
1- Do not sin. It's not worth it.
2- Be willing to walk away. Especially to keep away from sin.
3- Don't apologize when you have nothing to apologize for. Don't apologize just to keep the peace.
4- If you DO have something to apologize for, apologize sincerely, contritely, and once only. Then both parties--move on!
This was a beautiful post and you both have a beautiful family. Thank you for sharing your life with us--we need good examples of ordinary, fallen people doing their best. Lots of marriage advice and marriage books come from a plastic looking "our life is perfect here's our top 5 marriage hacks" and it just doesn't feel real. So thank you for being real.
I replied to Chantal elsewhere because “marriage as misery” felt like a good launching off point. God bless you and congratulations on 9 years!
It took me a couple of days to think of how to respond to this - you pretty much covered everything I would try to share and “what they said” isn’t much of a response. So I said that and just a bit more 😅.
1. Shout! The wifi at our wedding cut out halfway through shout and James made the DJ start it over. His family goes hard. There are adult brothers tossing one another into the air.
5. I love this. I’ve got like five beautiful single women friends here in town who are READY. Please someone introduce them to some good Catholic men.
I’m so curious! Who is it? What part of town? We’re in good ol’ H-town and sometimes the Catholic community here feels so small… I wonder if we know them?
Prioritizing date nights is probably the best advice Jennifer and I have received but haven’t implemented. I know we need to and we’re just going to have to force ourselves to do it but this season for use with a newborn and a toddler has just been… busy.
Best advice I’ve given: “Man up and sacrifice. Marriage is not about you.”
Really going to try to implement a few things I’ve read here. Mostly date nights and asking “will I care about this in a year?” EXCELLENT!
At home date night is an option. The point is to connect as a couple. We have done movie night with fancy snacks, getting take out and listening to audiobooks together after the kids go to sleep, obviously.
Good to meet the other partner, Diana! Thanks for your posts and presence, Walther. Sound advice. My wife was a home school mom as well, kudos! Much congratulations to you on 9!
This was such a beautiful article. Happy anniversary to you both! I'll remember you and your beautiful family in my Rosary this evening.
To answer question #1, this, no doubt about it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ&pp=ygUXbmV2ZXIgZ29ubmEgZ2l2ZSB5b3UgdXA%3D
I have once read that misery is an inevitable stage of marriage, which can be pretty discouraging to hear. Yes, every vocation has its fair share of crosses, and I've heard that marriage may have the most of them all, but to describe it as /misery/ isn't exactly very inviting. You and Mrs. Cantu (I need to remember my homeschooler manners here) give hope in a world that sees only the misery of the vocation. So thank you for that. God bless you both.
I can't believe I fell for that link, you got me.
Thank you for your kind words and prayers. You just gave me an idea for an essay on White Martyrdom.
Hehe amazing
You're very welcome! I look forward to reading your essay! White Martyrdom is a very interesting topic for me.
Chantal, I’ll reply a bit to you here but this is also to Walther who asked for my thoughts elsewhere.
In a world where autonomy is the chief desire, intentionally committing yourself to a permanent state of service (both to spouse and children) can be nothing but misery.
But I will tell you that my cup runneth over. I too am in my ninth year of marriage and if God were to snuff out my life tomorrow I would count myself lucky to have lived even these few years united to my wife.
There is suffering, tragedy, and drudgery yes - but who escapes these in time? A spouse is another shoulder at the wheel - not a cause of suffering (God willing), but someone with whom to share the burdens of life.
There was a time when one of my children almost died. He was in the hospital for weeks. And I don’t know if I’ve ever loved or admired my wife more than I did during that time. She was my Cyrenian (or, more accurately, I was hers). This reminds me of a favorite poem of mine, “The Female of the Species” by Kipling (This is a bit off topic but I think it captures the grit of femininity and some of the admiration I feel for my wife).
If I can give some general advice I would say that the Cantu’s post above captures what I think is most important - “it’s not 50/50.” To measure perpetually is to seek bitterness. You can only pour out all that you have and pray it is honestly reciprocated - if I had a personal motto I strive for it is “try your best and mean it.” That’s all anyone can do.
As an addition to the marriage advice: there’s quite a bit of consternation about Ephesians 5:22, with wives being told to “submit” to their husbands. But the weight of that exhortation, whatever it is, pales in comparison to what St. Paul asks of husbands (and it puts the prior statement in context). “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph 5:25).
For a husband to work out his salvation in fear and trembling, trying to love his wife as Christ loved his church! Does not the call to “submit” seem so much less harsh to someone who ought to lay down his life for yours? What a beautiful image of mutual self giving we are to strive for.
I love this. Thank you so much for sharing. I cannot imagine having a child almost die...well I can and honestly it's my greatest fear. Thank God you and your wife grew in holiness during that time. You are absolutely right...I should have addressed being submissive is amazing. I am such a strong personality and being submissive is just not in my nature. However trusting Walther and cultivating that part of me has really freed me up to love more fully. What a gift.
I never got a notification that you’d posted this, so I only just saw it now. Thank you so much for writing this and sharing it here. I’m so sorry that your child almost died. Deo gratias for saving his life and for giving you and your wife the grace to get through that difficult time. Married couples like you and your wife, and the Cantus, give so much hope to those of us discerning marriage. Thank you for sharing your experience with us, and may God bless you!
I am going to do a podcast eventually to expand on these, but here's my advice to people discerning marriage.
1- Do not sin. It's not worth it.
2- Be willing to walk away. Especially to keep away from sin.
3- Don't apologize when you have nothing to apologize for. Don't apologize just to keep the peace.
4- If you DO have something to apologize for, apologize sincerely, contritely, and once only. Then both parties--move on!
This was a beautiful post and you both have a beautiful family. Thank you for sharing your life with us--we need good examples of ordinary, fallen people doing their best. Lots of marriage advice and marriage books come from a plastic looking "our life is perfect here's our top 5 marriage hacks" and it just doesn't feel real. So thank you for being real.
Thank you, we're as ordinary and fallen as they come. And we try to keep it real, for sure.
I like your list. I'm intrigued as to what Hambone's take on it will be. Looking forward to it.
I replied to Chantal elsewhere because “marriage as misery” felt like a good launching off point. God bless you and congratulations on 9 years!
It took me a couple of days to think of how to respond to this - you pretty much covered everything I would try to share and “what they said” isn’t much of a response. So I said that and just a bit more 😅.
1. Shout! The wifi at our wedding cut out halfway through shout and James made the DJ start it over. His family goes hard. There are adult brothers tossing one another into the air.
5. I love this. I’ve got like five beautiful single women friends here in town who are READY. Please someone introduce them to some good Catholic men.
Shout! Is such a good one!!
What town are they in?? Let's get them hitched!
Mr. & Mrs. Cantu: The Catholic American Shipping Co., Est. 2023
Houston/Sugar Land mostly! Mid-twenties I think? Maybe late twenties?
We have a good friend in the Houston area, just FYI.
I’m so curious! Who is it? What part of town? We’re in good ol’ H-town and sometimes the Catholic community here feels so small… I wonder if we know them?
His name is Jesse Lee Yarbrough. I'm not sure what parish he goes to, but y'all should totally befriend him, he's the coolest.
He really is the coolest. Holy Catholic musician, so funny, and motivated. All good qualities
I totally have heard that name before. Pardon me while I stalk him online lol
You misspelled research.
This is so encouraging! Thank y’all for this.
Go to wedding song: https://youtu.be/Mo1HaVN1Pt0?si=y_PFLJ9faly-_3-m
Prioritizing date nights is probably the best advice Jennifer and I have received but haven’t implemented. I know we need to and we’re just going to have to force ourselves to do it but this season for use with a newborn and a toddler has just been… busy.
Best advice I’ve given: “Man up and sacrifice. Marriage is not about you.”
Really going to try to implement a few things I’ve read here. Mostly date nights and asking “will I care about this in a year?” EXCELLENT!
At home date night is an option. The point is to connect as a couple. We have done movie night with fancy snacks, getting take out and listening to audiobooks together after the kids go to sleep, obviously.
I’m assuming falling asleep on the couch together during a movie counts too right? Hahah
That's my MO.
If we lived closer to you, we would watch your kiddos for you!
Good to meet the other partner, Diana! Thanks for your posts and presence, Walther. Sound advice. My wife was a home school mom as well, kudos! Much congratulations to you on 9!
Thank you!