Nine Lessons

Nine Years of Marriage

Hello friends! This is Peregrino, a newsletter about the journey. You’re about to read essay #25 of “40 Before 40,” a memoir I intend to finish before I enter midlife.

I have a special treat for you today. I asked

Diana Cantu

if she would write an essay with me; she loved the idea. Today is our ninth wedding anniversary, so here are nine lessons from nine years of marriage.

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Diana

These two had no idea what was coming.

Marriage, aside from my faith, has been the greatest blessing of my life. I had a full life before meeting Walther, but he truly gave me a sense of home that transcended location. Through our marriage, I am experiencing the love of God the Father in new and transforming ways. I constantly reflect on what I have learned with each year that passes, and as we celebrate our ninth anniversary, I wanted to share a few things I have learned so far.

We are a team. This seems like a no-brainer, but for some reason, this took me a while to grasp. Maybe it was because we got married in our 30s, or perhaps because I have a stubborn streak that I can't shake. Either way, remembering that we are one and standing side by side helps when I'm tempted to think it's me against him.

Speaking kindness is important. We have a major rule in our marriage—and generally, in our home—speak with kindness. There is no room for rudeness, sarcasm, name-calling or cattiness. I love and chose him, so there is no reason for me to be unkind, regardless of how hard marriage and raising small children can be.

Not every inconvenience is a catastrophe. I can fall apart when plans change or when the kids are overwhelming. Walther keeps it calm. And he gently reminds me, primarily by example, that the sky is not falling and that a bucket of dumped Legos is not the end of the world. Can you tell I have a flair for the dramatic?

Resentment. A priest once told me resentment is like a stew; what you put in isn't going to look like what comes out. Allowing resentment to fester and simmer will cause a breakdown of love and communication. If I am upset about something Walther is doing or NOT doing, I talk to him, he apologizes, changes his behavior, or explains his reasoning, and then I move on. When I'm tempted to think about that issue again, I remind myself that it's an issue that has been addressed and move on. This applies even if it's an issue we must address multiple times. I married a flawed human; my husband also happens to be married to one, so we just give one another grace.

Date nights are worth it. GO ON DATES! For the love of God, go on dates. I've heard many women lament that their husbands don't plan dates, and I always have the same question: Why don't you plan them? A few years ago, our dates were sparse, and I felt like I was constantly being touched by a baby or hearing a kid scream. I was pouring from an empty cup. I saw that Walther was more focused on his work and making sure all the bills were paid, so I found a babysitter we trusted and put a date on the calendar every month. Those dates filled my cup abundantly. Once Walther saw how beneficial it was to spend time alone, it became a big-ticket item on our budget, absolutely built-in, and never to be canceled UNLESS a kid was sick. Now, our average is two to three dates a month. We have discovered incredible places in Phoenix and attended fun concerts, shows, and restaurants. But the most important part is that we connect and delight in one another. 10/10 would recommend.

Ask for what you need. I don't know why many women do this, but we seem to constantly be surprised that our husbands cannot read our minds. Shocking. So, because I did not marry a mind reader, if I need something, I say it. If I need help with a specific chore, or if I need to escape to a coffee shop or the chapel because I'm feeling stressed, I simply tell Walther what I need. Just because we are married doesn't mean Walther will always know what I need. If you need something from your spouse, help, support, free time—whatever you need—just ask.

Intimacy should be a priority. This was much easier for us when we were newlyweds. We had proper rest and time. However, as our brood grew, I would become touched out and sensitive to noise. Our intimate life took a hit. I was barely surviving, I was not about to let one more person touch me. Walther was patient and honest. Yes, I am a mother, but I am a wife first, and we needed to make sure our marriage was being cultivated in every way. We had many difficult conversations about our needs and our struggles with intimacy. I know this is such a difficult topic, especially if you're in the throes of raising small children—Hello! That's us, too. Intimacy between spouses is so unitive and vital. We use Natural Family Planning (NFP), and it's helped us so much in this aspect of our marriage. Making one another a priority in this regard has been transformative.

The gift of time. It's so easy to forget about your or your spouse's needs when kids come along. Ask me how I know. Things like a girls' night out, hobbies, and prayer time are essential. These things help us cultivate our prayer lives and our individual creative needs. I cannot fulfill Walther's need for male friendships, and he cannot meet my need for female connections. Walther has a very early morning holy hour; mine is slightly later in the day, and we make accommodations for one another to get that time with the Lord. Giving one another that individual time is so important.

Laughing together is a lifeline. Walther dabbled in stand-up comedy before we met, and I love to laugh, so naturally, we laugh a lot. Walther's gift for comedic timing has become essential for me, especially when the chaos of four kids seven and younger sets in. Keeping the house lighthearted has been a beautiful way to enjoy our family life. Just because cleaning a poop explosion isn't fun doesn't mean it can't be funny.

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Walther

Boy, that escalated quickly.

It can’t be breweries and wineries all the time. In July 2013, Diana and I went to Portland with a few friends. We had been dating long-distance for about three months, and we visited several tasting rooms and breweries on this trip. It was a fun trip; we had great food and drink, enjoyed time with friends, and cozied under a blanket while watching Fourth of July fireworks.

Over the last nine years, we’ve told each other: “It can’t be breweries and wineries all the time,” because back then, we saw each other every three weeks, and these kinds of outings were common. We didn’t live together until we returned from our honeymoon, so there was a period of adaptation to living together and growing pains. And once we settled into our life together, the novelty isn’t there, and all of a sudden, you have a little human you’re responsible for; you can’t do the same things you did when it was just the two of us.

The bottom line is that we will go through different stages in our marriage and must do our best in whatever stage we are in. For example, we’re in the “we go hiking with four kids” stage now, which feels miraculous. I didn’t think it would happen, but here we are.

Time to process, time to talk. Early in our relationship, Diana and I realized we had different approaches to conflict. Diana has a “let’s talk about this thing that is bothering us now” approach, and I have a “let me process this overnight, and then I’ll be ready to talk” approach. Neither one is wrong; they’re just different. I have learned to speed up my processing, and Diana to give me time to do what I need. This compromise has allowed us to manage conflict by listening, making amends, and forgiving each other’s shortcomings.

Be a leader, not a tyrant. After we consulted with an immigration lawyer on what to do in preparation for me to apply for a green card, he suggested we have a joint bank account. The joint account opened the door for a conversation about money. I volunteered to handle our household's finances, pay the bills, figure out our budget, and all that fun stuff. I said no to Diana regularly and referred to a spreadsheet to back my case.

I made a strong case for us to go from two incomes to one income once we had our second child; it took a moment to adapt, but we did it. Diana made a strong case for homeschooling, so I support her in whatever capacity she needs me to. We both lead in different ways to serve our family's best interests.

Don’t waste suffering. Diana had a hemorrhage after delivering our second child and had to get a blood transfusion, which led to some drama in utero when she was pregnant with our daughter and got another dose of drama with our fourth child. Our kids were born healthy, and we’re thankful for that, but the time they spent in the womb was a great exercise in trust.

Then again, during our sleep deprivation-days, it got hairy, but it didn’t last forever. And even though while you’re going through it, you may not be thinking about offering your suffering for someone else in need of conversion, for the souls in purgatory, or extra graces for your spouse, you can still do that. It just takes intentionality. Diana used to cry out: “I’m running out of wine,” referring to the wedding at Cana. When overwhelmed, I would have a similar prayer: “Lord, turn our water into wine.” We were also drinking a good amount, which might have had something to do with it. Or not; maybe we will never know.

Our kids will eventually leave. My therapist put this into perspective, and I shared it with Diana after I learned this. Hypothetically speaking, we have about fifteen years until we’ll be empty nesters. That’s not that much. We’ll have adult children in fifteen years, and I’m sure the challenges will be different. They always are. There was Walther and Diana before the kids, and there’ll come a time when it’ll just be us again. And we don’t want to just have the kids in common.

We have been very intentional about scheduling two date nights a month. After the mortgage and groceries, our most considerable expense is date nights. This is an investment that pays great dividends. It gives us something to look forward to every other weekend and lets us miss the kids a little.

He who loves his wife loves himself. If you take the two-become-one aspect of marriage seriously, then it is easier to accept that if you love your wife, you are, in a way, loving yourself. What I mean by this is I want what’s best for Diana and try my darndest to provide her with that.

It’s not fifty/fifty. Don’t half-ass it, please; give it all you got. In our experience, we have found that we both need to be all-in to move the needle. Learning to empty ourselves for the sake of the other can be painful at times, but in the long run, it brings joy and contentment. There is no one I would want to do this with than Diana.

I talk to my parents, you talk to your parents. We established this policy early on with good results. It has kept the relationship with both sides of the family somewhat healthy. Diana’s family is in Northern California, and my family is in Mexico; this has been an advantage in some ways and a disadvantage in others. But overall, we’ve learned to decide based on what’s best for our family and set the necessary boundaries to achieve that.

Will you care about this in a year? Sometimes, we’re sleep-deprived, hungry, or frustrated and snap at each other. And then we apologize, make up, and move on. But sometimes, especially if I’m not in a state of grace, the seeds of resentment are sowed. It’s important not to let those seeds sprout, and what has helped me do that is asking myself if I will care about it tomorrow, next month, or a year from now. The answer has been no, I won’t care about it.

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If you made it this far, thank you for reading the whole thing. You’re the best! If you think someone could benefit from reading this article, feel free to share it.

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Before you go

I have some questions for you.

1. If you were a DJ at a wedding reception, what song would you play to get everyone on the dance floor?

2. If you’re married, what’s the best piece of advice you have received?

3. If you’re married, what’s the best piece of advice you’d give?

4. If you’re single, what are you looking for in a spouse?

5. If you’re single and Catholic, let us know; we might set you up.